| |
|
sympathy for the 'enemy'
A squad of American soldiers were
patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead
body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short
distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a
ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to
him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened. "Well,"
he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I
came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and
shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic,
deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'" "We were standing there shaking
hands when the truck hit us."
"Pull the wool over your
own eyes and relax in the safety of your own delusions!"
subgenius
(external link)
turn up your soundcard.
not so funny when you're the recipient
(external link) |
What politics is...
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him...
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting
to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep shit." |
A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues. As he is getting out of the car a truck
comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before
speeding off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the
cops. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance
to ask any question the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche,
my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's with the
panel beater it'll never be the same again.
After the lawyer finally finishes his ranting and raving
the policeman finally shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how
materialistic you bloody lawyers are", he says. "You lot are so focused
on your possessions that you don't notice anything in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps
the lawyer.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your arm
was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "Fucking hell!"
he screams, "Where's my Rolex?"
|
Like
the one liners by
Letterman,
Leno, etc.?
checkout
NewsMax's late
night
show jokes
archive
The Washington Post asked readers to take any
word
from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!
1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of getting laid.
4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very
high.
5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.
7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one
got extra credit)
9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10) Glibido: All talk and no action.
11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the liter(ature):
12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
asshole.
Rushed marriage
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted
to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each
other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we
go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon
to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he
got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two
and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife
position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After
a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You
see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel
hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked
both sides of the canal.
Penguin Holiday
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when
he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil
dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the
first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk
around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona,
decides that something
cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of
vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real
mess trying to eat with
his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas
station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks
up from the engine
and says, "it looks like you blew a seal." "No, no,"
the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to
a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have
any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His
first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One.
"The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What
the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold this guy a small fish hook. Then
I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a large fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need
a boat, so we went down
to the boat department and I sold him the twin engine
Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him the 4X4
Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy
a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's fucked,
you might as well go fishing." |
Blonde
jokes alive & well...
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help me...
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has
the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no
matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a
rooster."
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to
relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then .........."
he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the
box."
Subject: Italians
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
them at first, but.......
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Whoa talkin' abouta
sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.
Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to
ask him question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a
shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then
the driver said,"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared
the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize
that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving
a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."
Clever Baby
A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby
said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming. "Thank you for taking such
good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly
on the forehead with his index finger.
"Hurts, doesn't it!"
Another One for the girls...
A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work drink
with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her
eyes off him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly towards her.
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely,
he leaned over and whispered to her,"I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 - on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied,"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words!"
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then
slowly removedfrom her purse a $20 note, which she pressed into the young
man's hand, along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully
whispered: "Clean my house."
(Go girl!!!!) |
For
the girls...
A prisoner escapes from his prison
where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a
house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the
guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and
while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then
gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband
tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is a prisoner,
look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and
has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells
you, give him satisfaction. "This guy must be dangerous, if he gets
angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "He
was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me
that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong,
honey. I love you too..."
Bumper stickers for women
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE
DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO
COMBINE
MARRIAGE AND A CAREER
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN .. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER
RICH
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST
TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO
BAD PEOPLE
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE
BODIES
And last but not least:
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
The Rope
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with
no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving
down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why...can't you
see? Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving
they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again,"Them horses, they're roping!" She replies,"Oh,
I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed
up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start
to explore each others bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride
discovers her husbands penis.
"Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?" "Well, darlin'" he
chuckles proudly: "That's ma' rope! " She slides her hands down further
and gasps, "Oh my goodness what are those? she asks. "Honey, those're my
knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several
minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter
honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need
more rope!!!!
Women's Guide to the 5 Secrets
of a Perfect Relationship
1. It is important to find a man who helps at home, who
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who can make you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who you can trust and
who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find a man who is good in bed and
who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four men don't know
each other. |
IDIOTS IN SERVICE...
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact
the Telstra repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and
7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the
pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones
weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email.
(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit
card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed
the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to
the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Koala Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many Koala's were
being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker
who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We
all just looked at each other with that cow-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
I work with an individual who plugged her power board
back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to
pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side,
I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied,
"I know - I already got that side."
Now don't you feel better? |
An
Australian love story about Bruce and Shiela
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day
when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the
hell d'ya think
ya doin?".
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day
Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill meself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Sheila," he says, "not only are ya a top shag, but you're
a real sport too", and drives off.
Smoking
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having
a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out acondom,
cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Miriam: What's that?
Agnes: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Miriam: Where did you get it?
Agnes: You can get them at the drugstore.
The next day, Miriam hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy,
obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,
over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks, "What brand do you prefer?"
"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted |
One misty Scottish morning a
man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander
stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four
and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe.
He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and
near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and
a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is
absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart
stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only
distracted from the lovely girl when the red Scot thing opens the car door
and drags
him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling
a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate",
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers
and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't
take him long.
"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver
gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache,
his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite
the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground,
unable to stand.
"Du it again" says the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me",
whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped
on the roadside.
"All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter
a lift to Inverness".
|
E-MAIL
TO WIFE
This was voted as the best e-mail joke in Australia
in 2001. Hope you enjoy it.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter,
a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to
meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to
Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant
weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He
tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not
responsible for the problem and it would do no good to
complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami
Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably
hot as Seattle's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would
arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool
off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made
an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly
preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,
let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message
on the screen:
Dearest
wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just got checked in. Some confusion
at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
**
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how
hot it is down here. |
Nun & Priest
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on
a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead
without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest
survey their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well sister this looks pretty grim."
"I know father.", the nun answered. "In fact, I don't
think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree." said the nun. "Sister, since we are unlikely
to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything
father."
" I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering
if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would
do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight
of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them ?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister ?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours ?"
"I suppose that would be Ok", the priest replied lifting
his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it ?"The priest consented and
after a few minutes of fondling he wassporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right
place,it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass so we
can get the f*ck out of here ?" |
Medical
Diagnoses
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to
Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor."
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give
it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's
wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes
it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up
and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife
and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the
mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better. |
| Sports
commentator quotes:
"Sure, there have been deaths
in boxing but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)
"And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
(Pat Glenn - weightlifting
commentator)
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it
when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(New Zealand rugby commentator
Murray Mexted)
"This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh -horse racing commentator)
"I've never had major
knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely
unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
(Murray Walker - F1 racing
commentator)
"I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my father and mother."
(Greg Norman)
"If history repeats itself,
I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables)
"I would not say that David
Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice. The
wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter at the
Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field "
(Metro Radio)
"Strangely, in slow motion
replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you
leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"And there goes Juantorena
down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal
Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie
(Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife
takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!"
(US PGA Commentator)
"For those of you who are
watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown"
(Snooker commentator)
True story... a female news
anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned
to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised
me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard! |
From
the State where drink driving is considered a sport comes a true
story
...from Dalby in South West Queensland.
Recently a routine police
patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening
the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could
barely walk.
The man stumbled around the
car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After
what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed
to find his car which he fell into. He
was there for a few minutes
as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators
on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward
a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few
more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of
the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police
officer started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all !!
Dumbfounded, the officer
said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station as this
breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man,
"tonight I'm the designated decoy".
HILLBILLY SEX
A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls
his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with
a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?"
Thinking that nature will take its course, the father
replied, "Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says,
"She's nekid and we're in bed. What do I do now?"
Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box,
his dad asked, "Did you take your clothes off, too?"
"No," the son replies. "Well, take your clothes off and
get back in bed with her."
The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're
both nekid and in bed. What do I do now?"
The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls,
"Look, son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing
on your body where she pees!"
The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa. I've got
my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"
|
Giving
100%
What makes 100%?
Ever wonder about those people
who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? Here's a
little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L
M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 =
96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that
hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there,
but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far ass kissing
will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14
7 = 118%
I bet you are now thinking
of someone within your company who has obviously read this a long time
ago.
Hi-Tech
Three men, an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I
have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
After a few minutes a phone rang. The Japanese fellow
lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my
mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone
he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of
the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet
paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The
Irishman finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
|
More Bumper Stickers
* The things that come to those who wait are usually
the things left by those who got there first.
* He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't
have film.
* A day without sunshine is like ... night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted then used against you.
* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without
sponges.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it
remains so popular?
* Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
* It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living
* The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
* You can't have everything, where would you put it?
* A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.
* It was recently discovered that research causes cancer
in rats.
* I started out with nothing, and I still have most of
it.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
Tasmanian Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple
decided that was enough,as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin
didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was
a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that
it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go
home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10. The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I
may not be the
smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting
a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust
me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in
a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between
his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand.
Crafty Norwegian
Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota
recently leaving a lake well known for its Walleye. He had two buckets
of fish. As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do
you have a license to catch those fish?"
Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I
take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim
around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yiump back into deir buckets
and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." said
the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an _expression of great
hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den.
It really does vork, don'tcha know?"
"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was
really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood
waiting.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and
said, "Well?"
"Vell what?" responded Ole.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" asked Ole.
"The fish!"
"What fish?"
Cure for Junk Mail AND Telemarketing Calls...
Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers
(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep"
tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has
efficiently completed its task.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other
end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales
person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to
immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as
quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it
kicks your number out of their system.
(3) Another Good Idea:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these"ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk
mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from
credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the
return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they
receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50
cents before! The last increase and it is according to the weight. In that
case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these
cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American
Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else
that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on
anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep
them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS
|
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at
the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them
"It's-a illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans
retort unbelievingly. Look at ze papers, ze car is designed to karry 5
persons."
"You cant a pulla that a one on me!" replies the Italian
customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car
and you are therefore abreaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your
zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come.
He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
I know they say "only in
America" but even this is stretching it (isn't it?)... Makes a nice adjunct
to the Annual Darwin Awards though...
Every year the FBI, is asked
to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and
Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its
Top 12 Homicides of the year.
1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years
old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator.
Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped,
pushing all 20 inches
of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs
and caused severe bleeding.
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton,
99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn
100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to
her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering
her birthday cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years
old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just
sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if
she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted
72 rat poison tablets
into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one
sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence
as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was
doing, until she tried to
poison her mother using the same method one month later.
4- David Danil, 17 years
old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have
his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled
shotgun Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour
before the date started, just in case.
5- Javier Halos, 27 years
old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8
years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet
seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr
Halos paid his rent.
(NICE ACCOUNTING KIRK)
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old,
is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake
town, simulation. Seeing all the trooperswalking slowly down the street
Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and
yelled Boo!. The troopers,
thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40
of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target,
one of the troopers stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years
old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone
too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then
stabbed her several times with the broken arial.
8- Helena Simms, Wife to
the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband
after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold
substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was
highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although
she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts,
blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the
victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check
up. (MUSTN'T GRUMBLE....ISN'T SCIENCE WONDERFUL)
9- Military Sergeant John
Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with
Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving
was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as
powerful as the Oklahoma
Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14
kilometres away.
No trace of the car or the
victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m
of missing road. (METHINKS JOHN JOE MIGHT BE ON THE WAY TO IRAQ?)
10- Patty Winter, 35 years
old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning.
Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F4 phantom jet engine
in his rear yard.(AS YOU WOULD) He would fire the jet engine, aimed at
an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly
complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential
risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with
a notice to remove the engine
immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee
and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know
was that he had changed the position of the engine,
as she walked into the yard
he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees,
killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
(D'OH)
11- Michael Lewis, angry
at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as
inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost
catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that
read Death to all N****rs! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On
the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped
him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased. (GO FIGURE)
12- Conrad Middleton, 26
years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement
over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away.
Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell.
After the argument
Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the
3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left
out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the
spree, have
a puff on me, Brian".
Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the
process. (DON'T SMOKE!)
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty
miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says "I know we've been married for twenty years, but
I want
a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out
of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more
tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to
60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says," I'll
have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there
anything you want?" The wife at last replies - in a quiet and
controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to
him and says "The airbag."
|
The Pond
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up
for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the
pond, he heard shouting and gleeful laughter. As he came closer he saw
it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made
the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the
pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed
the alligator."
MORAL: Old age and treachery triumphs over youth and skill.
Four nuns
Four nuns were headed to Mass on Sunday when they were
suddenly killed in an horrific car crash. So tragic.
Arriving at the Pearly Gates, the angel Gabriel approached
them and directed the 4 to a special line for nuns. Saint Peter announced
that they would all be granted permission to enter Heaven, however, they
must first cleanse themselves.
First he approached Sister Mary, and asked if she had
ever come into contact with a man's penis. "Well", she paused, "I'm afraid
that I did occassionally touch the penis of Father John with my hands."
Saint Peter directed her to a small bird-bathlike fountain, where he told
her "Wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may enter Heaven."
Sister Mary was then let into the Pearly Gates. Saint
Peter then approached Sister Joan, asking her the same question. Sister
Joan also admitted, "I too touched Father John's penis with my hands."
Saint Peter gave her the same directive to wash herself, and into Heaven
she went.
Saint Peter then approached Sister Anna, and began to
ask her the same question, but the last nun in line was clearly becoming
aggitated. Before he could even finish the question, Sister Anunnciata
pushed her way through, rushed to the fountain, and began gargling.
Stunned by the brashness of Sister Anunnciata, he asked
loudly "Sister! Why did you do that?!" Wiping her mouth, Sister Annunciata
exclaimed "If you think I'm going to wash my mouth with this water after
Sister Anna sticks her ass in here, you're nuts!"
Prime Minister John Howard is visiting a primary school
and he visits one of the Year 4 classes. They are in the middle of a discussion
related to words
and their meanings. The teacher asks the Prime Minister
if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example
of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend,
who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and
runs him over, that
would be a tragedy."
"No," says Howard, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying
50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be
a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. Howard. "That's what we
would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Prime
Minister Howard searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example
of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, little Johnny raises
his hand.
In a quiet voice he says, "If The Prime Ministerial Jet,
carrying Mr. & Mrs. Howard, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens,
that would
be a tragedy".
"Fantastic," exclaims John Howard, "that's right. And
can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an
accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
The Attack of the Puns
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat miner.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flatter.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself
Three Aussie guys were working on a high rise building project:
Steve,Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2
hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you the beer?"
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"
She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
|
Terrorism kit so dumb it's
a winner
By Sue Lowe
April 10 2003
The Australian Government's
$15 million fridge magnet campaign to educate Australians about terrorism
has scooped an international award as one of the most stupid security measures
introduced since September 11.
The competition, run by Privacy
International, which is best known for its annual Big Brother awards for
intrusive practices, received almost 5000 nominations from 35 countries.
The Government took out the
Most Egregiously Stupid Award for the kit which urged Australians to report
anything suspicious while asking them to be "alert but not alarmed".
The Delta Terminal at JFK
Airport in New York won the most flagrantly intrusive award for forcing
a mother travelling with a four-month-old baby to drink three bottles of
her own breast milk, for fear that the bottles contained explosives or
chemical agents.
Heathrow Airport, also picked
up an award for quarantining a quantity of Gunpowder (green) tea. The tea
was eventually allowed but the packaging bearing the Gunpowder labelling,
was confiscated and destroyed.
Another airport, Philadelphia
International, received the most inexplicably stupid award for issuing
a code-red hazardous materials alert that closed a hospital emergency ward
and two local shops because of a bottle of suspect cologne.
"There is a serious issue
of respect for people's rights being eroded by stupid security measures,"
said Tim Dixon, a judge on the Stupid Security competition panel and a
spokesman for the Australian Privacy Foundation. "Many of these measures
do not make us any safer."
Mr Dixon said the Australian
Government-backed public education scheme stood out because of its scale,
cost and its "meaningless nature".
The Attorney-General, Daryl
Williams, who launched the fridge door anti-terrorism kit in February,
declined to comment.
Winners receive a luxury
package of Gunpowder tea.
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea
with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says
that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she
knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the
Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please
answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put
the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He
summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder
if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about
it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately
calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question
for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child,
and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your
sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you
dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
thanks to This
Magazine for the following
DSM 911
by Kim Pittaway
Anxiety, hyper-vigilance disorder, sleep
dysfunctions, post-traumatic stress disorder: according to the headlines,
North Americans are in the grip of an epidemic of psychiatric disorders,
all prompted by the horrific events of September 11.¹ Fortunately,
there's no need to connect any of these psychic disturbances with a need
for political action: these are, after all, personal ailments, and connecting
the personal and the political is so, well, old-fashioned. Nope, no need
to join a march (even if they were still legal) or mount a letter-writing
campaign (especially if you address your letter in block capitals-by time
it gets out of anthrax quarantine, the war on terrorism will be long over.)
Instead, look at the destruction of the World Trade Center and the bombing
of Afghanistan as an opportunity of personal growth. Because, after all,
it really is all about us. Not sure what your symptoms signal? Check our
guide to the new disorders for a disordered age.
1. HYPER CONNECTIVITY DISORDER
Do you find yourself making gratuitous
links to September 11, in an effort to make your opinions seem weightier
than they actually are? For example, in a pre-Christmas Globe and Mail
interview about his choice of outdoor Christmas lighting, the client of
one Toronto lighting service pooh-poohed icicle lights, saying "I didn't
think icicle lights we re the way to go this year given the events of the
world." If you've caught yourself making equally fatuous pronouncements,
you may be suffering from HCD. In an earlier age, this disorder was known
as idiocy. But HCD sounds smarter, and well, more profound, which is what
sufferers of this disorder are trying to achieve anyway. The preferred
treatment option is opinion-minimalization therapy (also known as keeping
your mouth shut until you have something worth saying.)
2. MEDIA GRAVITAS DISORDER
Primarily affecting members of the television
media, MGD is considered by some researchers to be a companion disorder
to HCD. Symptoms surface only when dealing with stories related to September
11 and its aftermath, and include a deepening of the voice, the adoption
of the "grave face" - the visage once exlusively associated with stern
talkings-to from teachers, preachers and parents - and HCD-associated declarations.
This disorder is most easily spotted when entertainment reporters find
themselves reporting on post-September 11 fundraising concerts. Its HCD
linkage has also been observed in media reports attributing Mariah Carey's
lingering emotional difficulties in part to the compounding traumatic impact
of the World Trade Center bombings. Treatment is difficult, as sufferers
often lack the IQ prerequisite for engaging in meaningful therapeutic interactions.
3. URBAN MYTH BELIEVABILITY DISORDER
Have you found yourself pressing "Forward
all" on your email program in response to missives about the friend of
a friend's friend whose Arab boyfriend disappeared in early September after
telling her not to fly on September 11 or venture into a mall on Halloween?
If so, you have DUMB.² There is no known treatment for this disorder.
4. TERRORISM ENVY DISORDER
This geographically isolated disorder
generally occurs only in Canada.³ It primarily affects politicians
and law enforcement officials, but shows up in the media and civilian population
as well. Symptoms include a stubborn belief that we're targets too, and
a concomitant desire to clamp down on individual rights and boost police
budgets. Examples of TED include the clearing of a building in Moncton,
New Brunswick following a report of a possible bomb in a public washroom.
Turned out to be a forgotten backpack. But hey, if I were a terrorist,
I'd follow up bombing the World Trade Center by attacking a building in
Moncton, too. It only makes sense.4 The preferred treatment is reality
therapy. As in "Get real."
5. BUSINESS MAXIMIZATION DISORDER
Considered a disorder only in left-wing
circles. (Elsewhere, it's called capitalism.) Symptoms are wide-ranging,
but hinge on efforts to make New York's loss your gain. This includes the
manufacture and sale of American flag-related items, but also extends to
the psychologist who emailed This Magazine, offering discounted therapy
in October for those "feeling stressed."
Membership in the NDP was once thought
to inoculate one from BMD. Sadly, the infection of the NDP with pro-business
stances has resulted in the creation of NDP-resistant strains of BMD. Pharmaceutical
companies have refused to invest in research on drug treatments for BMD,
making it yet another orphan disease, since rather than considering it
a disorder, the companies view it as a qualification for upper management.
6. MONIKER REACTIVITY DISORDER
Do you find yourself overcome with a powerful
urge to drop-kick the television when confronted with the theme music and
taglines adopted by the major media in labelling their September 11 and
War on Terrorism coverage? You may be suffering from Moniker Reactivity
Disorder. MRD is generally brought on by such taglines as Attack on America,
Attack on Freedom, America Under Siege, The War on Terrorism and America
Fights Back. (Proof there aren't enough good taglines to go around: CBS
News stole that last one from America's Most Wanted. And, incidentally,
seven of the eight AMW episodes following September 11 focussed exclusively
on the hunt for terrorists. Just in case Osama is in the trailer down the
road.)
An earlier incarnation of this disorder
- Monica Reactivity Disorder - resulted in the urge to hurl abuse (or just
hurl) at the television when confronted with yet more meaningless coverage
of the Lewinsky Affair. Or non-affair. Or whatever you call it when, okay,
body fluid was transferred but like, actual intercourse never happened.
(An even earlier incarnation-Mary Hart Reactivity Disorder-resulted in
seizures in some viewers.) Treatment ranges from simply turning off the
television, to disconnecting the cable altogether. In a simpler age, the
removal of the television might have been suggested. But the we'd miss
The Simpsons, The Sopranos and Survivor.
7. PRODUCTIVITY DIMINISHMENT DISORDER
There were fears that the disheartening
effects of a domestic terror attack would result in a downturn in worker
productivity. Happily, that does not appear to have been the case. Perhaps
the explanation for this lies in research conducted at the University of
Alberta, which found that sad workers more productive than happy workers.
Apparently, unhappy people work harder in an effort to distract themselves
from their unhappiness, while happy workers tend to view work as a distraction
from their happiness. Given mounting lay-offs and recession anxiety, it's
likely that workers will be unhappy for some time to come. And it looks
like that's good for the economy. No treatment options required.
Finally, it should be noted that one disorder
has been removed from the catalogue of psychological ailments: shopaholism.
Considered in the past to be the sign of a deep desire to distract oneself
from the inadequacies of one's life, shopaholism is now considered to be
an expression of patriotism. Why? Because terrorists want to rob us of
our way of life. And the best way to fight back is by heading to the mall
to buy as much "way of life" as we can carry home. Who says there's no
place for direct political action in the post-September 11 world?
1.The media gods have decreed
that you can't just say September 11-you have to preface it with a statement
indicating your heartfelt horror about the event. Otherwise, we might think
you're a terrorist sympathizer. Thing is that "the horrific events of September
11" is a bit of a mouthful. We propose replacing it, simply, with HESE.
Which, by the way, is way nicer than that other shorthand phrase, "911."
Numbers are just so emotionless.
2. Normally, the acronym
for this disorder would be UMBD. For reasons that are clear, we have shuffled
the acronym to DUMB.
3. One notable exception:
CBS anchor Dan Rather exhibited symptoms of TED in the early days of the
anthrax-letter scare. Rather's symptoms disappeared, however, when his
office finally received their own anthrax-laced missive, 10 days after
rival Tom Brokaw received his.
4. A related disorder is
Excessive Vigilance Disorder. Again, geographically limited to Canada,
this disorder has led to an estimated 8,500 calls to the RCMPs terrorism
tip line, despite the absence of evidence of even a single anthrax spore
in the Canadian mail system. Those friggin' terrorists never send us nothing'.
consumercide
note; Disorders 3 & 4 have also been spotted turning up in Australia...
more cartoons...
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