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Pictures of the year from NBC

"how to upset little children..."

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"la promenade du chien"

Happy Easter

Women's revenge

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

 And they say blondes are dumb...

 ______________________

 A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
 happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

 _______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," 
Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "Honey, what do you think 
the neighbors would think if I mowed
 the lawn like this?" 
"Probably that I married you for your money," 
she replied.

 _______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, 
I've wanted to make love to you
 really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

_____________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

 She said - That's a good idea...you stand 
by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart.

 _______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all 
the grocery money I gave you?

 She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

 _____________________

 Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

 A: A rumor

_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, 
were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy 
came to them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple 
she would grant each of them a
 very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
 husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise
tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.......
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
 

WHY U.S. ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS

 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: 
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
  ...........................................
 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
  season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
 first."
 ...........................................
 And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
 mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To
 win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
  .............................................
  Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
 Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
 ..............................................
 Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody
 in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
 Einstein."
 ..............................................
 Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
 (now that is beautiful)
 ..............................................
 Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
 then line up in a circle."
 ............................................
 Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
 He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
 ..............................................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
 heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in
 the morning regardless of what time it is."
 ............................................
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
 ..............................................
 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
 told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me
 like you're spending too much time on one subject."
 ..............................................
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Actual Quotes taken from federal "Employee Performance  Evaluations"

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has now started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of  morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee  is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant  supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only  to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot  puddle."
8.  "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then  consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of  an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he  starts, the better."
12. "Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to  hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus -144 times worse than an ordinary  ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his  pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16. "I would like  to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He would argue  with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making strangers  immediately."
20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the  room."
21.  "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

23. "A  photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
24. "Donated his  brain to science before he was done using it."
25. "Gates are down, the lights are  flashing, but the train isn't coming."
26. "Has two brains: one is lost and the  other is out looking for it."
27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered  twice a week."
28. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get  change."
29.  "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard to  believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm and made it to conception."
31. "One neuron short of a synapse."
32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
33.  "Takes him 2+ hours to watch 60 Minutes."
34. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Look Closely...

DECODING ENRONSPEAK

What They Said vs. What They Meant 

Can't tell a Lay from a lie? Here's a translation guide to help you decipher all the doublespeak surrounding the Enron debacle. 

By Daniel Kurtzman

What he said: "I come here today with a profound sadness about what has happened to Enron, to its current and former employees, retirees, shareholders, and other stakeholders." —Former Enron Chairman Ken Lay, testifying before Congress

What he meant: "I come here today with a profound sadness about what has happened to three of my four properties in Aspen, my jet, my baseball stadium, and my all-access pass to the White House."
 

What he said: "I have been instructed by my counsel not to testify....I am deeply troubled about asserting these (Fifth Amendment) rights, because it may be perceived by some that I have something to hide." —Ken Lay

What he meant: "My counsel is deeply troubled because I have something to hide."
 

What he said: "Mr. Lay, I've concluded that you're perhaps the most accomplished confidence man since Charles Ponzi. I'd say you're a carnival barker, except that wouldn't be fair to carnival barkers. A carnie will at least tell you up front that he's running a shell game." —Sen. Peter Fitzgerald (R-Ill.)

What he meant: "How come I only got a measly $18,000 in campaign contributions when you were giving other Senators double and triple that?"
 
 

What he said: "I did not believe the company was in any financial peril. I absolutely, unequivocally thought the company was in good shape." —Former Enron chief executive Jeffrey K. Skilling, during congressional testimony

What he meant: "I know nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing."
 
 

What she said: "I am incredibly nervous that we will implode in a wave of accounting scandals." —Enron whistle blower Sherron Watkins, in a memo to Ken Lay months before Enron spiraled into bankruptcy

What she meant: "You should be incredibly nervous that I will distribute this memo to reporters after Enron implodes in a wave of accounting scandals."
 
 

What he said: "I did not have political relations with that man, Ken Lay." —Sen. Fritz Hollings (D-S.C.), poking fun at Bush for distancing himself from Enron

What he meant: "Ken Lay flashed Bush his thong."
 
 

What he said: "What I'm outraged about is that shareholders and employees didn't know all the facts about Enron." —President Bush

What he meant: "I knew all the facts about Enron. Where are my Cheez Doodles?"
 
 

What he said: "My own mother-in-law bought stock last summer, and it's not worth anything now." —President Bush

What he meant: "My mother-in-law was the only member of the family who couldn't figure out how to profit from Enron, and she's not worth anything now."
 
 

What he said: "It would make it virtually impossible for me to have confidential conversations with anybody. ...You just cannot accept that proposition without putting a chill over the ability of the president and vice president to receive unvarnished advice." —Dick Cheney, refusing to turn over records of the Bush administration's meetings with its energy task force

What he meant: "Turning over the records may be a sign of personal virtue, but it is not an effective way to build a sound, comprehensive re-election strategy."
 
 

What he said: "We're not going to let the ability for us to discuss matters between ourselves to become eroded. It's not only important for this administration, it's an important principle for future administrations." —President Bush, backing up Cheney's refusal to turn over records of the energy task force

What he meant: "It's not only important for this administration, it's an important principle for Jeb's administration and for Jenna and Barbara's administrations."
 
 

What she said: "The only thing I know, 100 percent for sure, is that my husband is an honest, decent, moral human being who would do absolutely nothing wrong. That I know 100 percent." —Linda Lay, wife of Ken Lay

What she meant: "The only thing I know 100 percent for sure is that my husband will receive a full presidential pardon on Christmas Eve, 2004." 

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