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Questions about Australia

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies just trying to help:

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
(UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?

(USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney ... can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

4. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it.

Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

5. Q: Which direction is North in Australia ?
(USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send you the rest of the directions.

6. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ?

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

7. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Schedule?
(USA)

A: Aus-tr-ia is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

9. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ?
(USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

10. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

11. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)

A. Yes, gay nightclubs.

12. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ?

A: Only at Christmas.

13. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia ?
(Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you we'll import them.

14. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

15. Q: Please send me a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
(USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

16. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget it's name. It's a kind of a bear and lives in trees.
(USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

17. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

18. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, But you'll have to learn it first.

Things you may not know...

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in The air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse Has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go Until you could find the letter "A"? A. One thousand.

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and Laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey (margarine isn't food, it's plastic, toxic waste)

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer To sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a Month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with All the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their Calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know Today as the honeymoon.

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you Had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*K (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that word came from.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check For a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A furniture dealer from Alabama decided that he wanted to expand the line
of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what
he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to
the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home in Alabama.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the
small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table
was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young
Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he
did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.  He invited her to sit
down

He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his
language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with
her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together
at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a
plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a
quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered
dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a
couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the
cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young
lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he
has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....

basic english lesson here
 
 

beware of shadows...

 
 
 

 
 
  "You are Soooooo on my side of the bed..."
 

After Salary Cuts.jpeg
 

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A guaranteed weight loss program...

GEORGE was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious
Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran
across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.  But desperate, he calls
them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound Weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed In nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised.  He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound Program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most Stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing Nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens.  Much to his delight, on
the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 Pound program. 

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." 

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink Running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL 

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. 
 
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. 
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. 
 
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled 
at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" 
 
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away........................... 
 
"We're down here ..." 

WORDS WOMEN USE 
****************************** 
FINE 
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are 
right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman 
looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES 
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your 
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an 
even trade. 

NOTHING 
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is 
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you 
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an 
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!) 
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) 
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will 
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by 
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when 
she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH 
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often 
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at 
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and 
arguing with you over "Nothing" 

SOFT SIGH 
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she 
is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay 
content. 

THAT'S OKAY 
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a 
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before 
paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is 
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised 
Eyebrow." 

GO AHEAD! 
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big 
trouble. 

PLEASE DO 
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance 
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it 
is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be 
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" 

THANKS 
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. 

THANKS A LOT 
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" 
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended 
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be 
careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only 
tell you "Nothing" 

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can 
avoid, if they remember the terminology!
 
 
 

"THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST EXPLANATIONS I'VE SEEN IN A WHILE............. Why  we forward jokes...This explains it...."

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He
remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a
high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine
marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed
in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in
the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the
gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a
man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me,
where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler
asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at
the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a
farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As
he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that
couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and
sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The
traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave
some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man
who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they
screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
 
 
 

Subject: NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FOR YEAR 2035
 

 OZONE CREATED BY ELECTRIC CARS NOW KILLING MILLIONS IN THE SEVENTH LARGEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, CALIFORNIA.

 WHITE MINORITIES STILL TRYING TO HAVE ENGLISH RECOGNIZED AS CALIFORNIA'S THIRD LANGUAGE.

 SPOTTED OWL PLAGUE THREATENS NORTHWESTERN UNITED STATES CROPS &LIVESTOCK.

 BABY CONCEIVED NATURALLY.... SCIENTISTS STUMPED.

 LAST REMAINING FUNDAMENTALIST MUSLIM DIES IN THE AMERICAN TERRITORY OF THE MIDDLE EAST (FORMERLY KNOWN AS IRAN, AFGHANISTAN, SYRIA, AND LEBANON.) IRAQ  STILL CLOSED OFF;

 PHYSICISTS ESTIMATE IT WILL TAKE AT LEAST TEN MORE YEARS BEFORE RADIOACTIVITY DECREASES TO SAFE LEVELS.

 CASTRO FINALLY DIES AT AGE 112; CUBAN CIGARS CAN NOW BE IMPORTED LEGALLY, BUT PRESIDENT CHELSEA CLINTON HAS BANNED ALL SMOKING.

 GEORGE Z. BUSH SAYS HE WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2036.

 POSTAL SERVICE RAISES PRICE OF FIRST CLASS STAMP TO $17.89! AND REDUCES  MAIL DELIVERY TO WEDNESDAY ONLY.

 35 YEAR STUDY: DIET AND EXERCISE IS THE KEY TO WEIGHT LOSS.

 MASSACHUSETTS EXECUTES LAST REMAINING CONSERVATIVE. SUPREME COURT RULES PUNISHMENT OF CRIMINALS VIOLATES THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS.

 UPCOMING NFL DRAFT LIKELY TO FOCUS ON USE OF MUTANTS.

 AVERAGE HEIGHT OF NBA PLAYERS NOW NINE FEET, SEVEN INCHES.

 MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES IT HAS PERFECTED ITS NEWEST VERSION OF WINDOWS SO IT NOW CRASHES BEFORE INSTALLATION IS COMPLETED.

 NEW FEDERAL LAW REQUIRES THAT ALL NAIL CLIPPERS, SCREWDRIVERS, FLY  SWATTERS, AND ROLLED UP NEWSPAPERS MUST BE REGISTERED BY JANUARY 2036.

 CONGRESS AUTHORIZES DIRECT DEPOSIT OF ILLEGAL POLITICAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO CAMPAIGN ACCOUNTS.

 IRS SETS LOWEST TAX RATE AT 75%

 AVERAGE PRICE OF A SINGLE FAMILY HOME IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IS $12,500,000  AND A THREE BEDROOM APARTMENT NOW RENTS FOR $15,000 A MONTH. CELEBRATING  CHRISTMAS NOW OFFICIALLY A FELONY AS IT OFFENDS TOO MANY PEOPLE.
 
 
 
 
 

from an email:
"random acts of stupidity"

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman   had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.  

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the Staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from   serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he   received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was just checking.  

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California, would-be-robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the Barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.  

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of   its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.   The chef's claim was approved.

The old Indian chief sat in his  hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government  officials sent to interview him.  

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one  official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars  and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's  done."

The Chief  nodded in agreement.

The  official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did  the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government  officials for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man found the  land, Indians were running it.

"No  taxes.

"No  debt.

"Plenty  buffalo.

"Plenty  beaver.

"Women did  all the work.

"Medicine  man free.

"Indian  man spent all day hunting and fishing.

"All night  having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and  smiled ... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like  that."

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern  Arizona when she  saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was  a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she  would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the  car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk  with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently  at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a  brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the  old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle  of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for  another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she  said, "Good trade."